


Fate/Further Unofficial Harem Antics

by OverMaster



Category: Fate/Apocrypha, Fate/EXTRA, Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/stay night (Visual Novel), Fate/stay night - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Harem, Harems, Lancer Dies, Multi, Omake, Reckless Driving, References to Monty Python
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 16:24:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17532149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OverMaster/pseuds/OverMaster
Summary: Irisviel von Einzbern may have been stuck in the Greater Grail, but at least she had her wonderful adoptive son to watch over. And with a Holy Grail War fast approaching-- Oh, if you don't know the rest already, go check on kamenhero25's Fate Harem Antics and then read this. It won't make sense otherwise. Compiling the extra material posted in Questionable Questing.





	Fate/Further Unofficial Harem Antics

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Fate/Harem Antics](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13531887) by [kamenhero25](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamenhero25/pseuds/kamenhero25). 



_Fate Stay Night_ , _Fate Prototype_ , _Fate Zero_ , _Fate Hollow Ataraxia_ , _Fate EXTRA_ , _Fate Extella_ , _Fate Apocrypha_ , _Fate Strange/Fake_ , _Fate Kaleid Liner Prisma Illya_ , _Fate Requiem, Fate School Life_ and _Fate Grand Order_ all are the creation and intellectual property of Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon.

All other featured and mentioned franchises belong to their respective copyright owners.

With Special Thanks to Kamenhero25 for the inspiration.

* * *

**Fate: Further Unofficial Harem Antics.**

* * *

 

**What If OverMaster Wrote Fate Harem Antics?**

* * *

  
_For Kamenhero25._

* * *

  
The fair maiden bowed to Lancelot. "Welcome, gentle sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax."  
  
"The Castle Anthrax?" Lancelot replied dubiously.  
  
She nodded demurely. "Yes, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need."  
  
**"** Oh," the just as beautiful young lady standing next to her told him, "I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight-score young blonds and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh, it is a lonely life: Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights."  
  
"You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like, and then spank me," a third lovely maiden said, bowing her head respectfully.  
  
Several young nuns appeared arount the maidens, excitedly saying, "And me. And me too. And me!"  
  
"Yes," the third maiden nodded firmly. "Yes, you must give us all a good spanking. And after the spanking, the oral sex."  
  
Lancelot blinked. "Well... I could stay a bit longer..."  
  
Then, valiantly and with great flashiness, the Knight of the Shield broke in through the window, heroically grabbed the stunned older warrior, and heroically ran away with him, out the castle's entrance.  
  
"I'm glad, I was in the nick of time. You were in great peril!" Galahad said while running.  
  
"I don't think I was..." Lancelot muttered under his breath.  
  
**"** Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril!" Galahad insisted.  
  
**"** Look," he told her, "let me go back in there and face the peril."  
  
"No, it's far too perilous!"  
  
"Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can," he reminded her.  
  
"No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!" she said, pulling along rather more strongly now.  
  
"Oh, will you let me have just a little bit of peril?" Lancelot complained.  
  
"No. It's unhealthy!"  
  
"I bet you're gay," he grouched.  
  
"I'm a woman!" she growled.  
  
"Oh, that's right, I keep on forgetting..."

* * *

  
"And basically that," Shielder reminisced, thoughtfully putting her cup of tea down, "was how it went every time Father and I went adventuring..."  
  
Sitting all around the same table, Shirou, Rin, Archer, Sakura, Rider, Caren, Ayako and Assassin all simply stared at her in an aghast silence.  
  
Saber, on the other hand, simply smiled placidly, looking into the distance with a faraway fondness. "Such beautiful memories. I wish I could have cultivated some of my own with my own father. As for that castle, Merlin once talked me on going there, but Kay just wouldn't have any of it and forbade it..."

* * *

 

 **Bleach.**  
  
"Ahhhh!" Sakura cried, plucking another black hair out. "It keeps happening! Why is that? Why is it changing?!"  
  
"Oh, that!" Caster said, approaching her with a soothing smile. "Don't worry. You told me about... well, those awful things your grandfather did, remember? Well, those were responsible for turning your hair purple, and now with his death, his influence over you should fade away completely, to the degree your hair will turn back the same natural color as your sister's."  
  
"I... I see. Thank you, Caster," Sakura nodded, while walking out of the bathroom with very wide eyes.  
  
Caster blinked and followed her. "Oh? Miss Sakura? Aren't you happy? I thought you would be relieved over losing that reminder of--"  
  
"Of course I am happy, Caster, why shouldn't I be? Rider...!" she called out to the Servant sitting nearby reading. "Will you be a dear and go find me some purple dye, please?"  
  
Caster stared quietly at Sakura.  
  
Sakura glanced back defensively, blushing a little. "W-What? It's still part of the woman Sempai fell in love with, isn't it?"

* * *

 

 **Bleach, Addendum.**  
  
Luvia sipped from her fragant cup of tea elegantly and nodded. "Yes. She has, indeed, done the correct thing."  
  
Caster, sitting seiza before her after giving her report, blinked. "Master? Why do you say that?"  
  
Luvia clenched her teeth. "Look, I don't have anything against Sakura-san myself, actually, you know? But, I honestly can't say I'll keep on feeling that way if I have  _another_  black haired Tohsaka around, and this one, I can't even play the breast superiority card around!"

* * *

 

 **The Forgotten Ones.**  
  
"By the way," Kiritsugu suddenly asked, taking a moment off puffing from his cigarette. "Did I imagine that, or did you at some point send a Watcher class Servant too?"  
  
The woman resting on the bed by his side blinked as much as her large eyes would allow her to. "Ahhhhh...! Now that you mention it..."

* * *

  
Carigiri Jinako titled her head aside curiously to look at the woman who had pulled herself into her life only days ago. She had been a mild disruption on Jinako's preferred lifestyle ever since, but once she had realized this 'Watcher' shared her predilection for just staying inside and living the good life, she had come to guess having her around was not such a huge bother after all. Certainly less of one than actually taking the effort to try and kick her out.  
  
"Have you just sneezed?" Jinako asked the woman watching TV with her.  
  
Watcher groaned, pushing her glasses up her nose. "Yes. Yes, I just did."  
  
"Can you even get sick at all?" Jinako asked next. "If you really are what you claim being, are you even able to fall ill or--"  
  
Watcher sighed. "I'm sure I'm not sick, it must be simply someone's talking about me, Master."  
  
"Isn't that just an old wives' tale?"  
  
"You could sort of say  _**I** _  am an old wives' tale too, Master," Watcher murmured, changing the channel before Jinako took the remote off her hand and changed it back herself.  
  
"Yeah, well, I'm still not believing you," the young woman said. "If you really were that kind of... whatever, shouldn't you be actually  _watching_  on this alleged war as you're supposed to do?"  
  
"Watching is getting myself involved already. I'd rather stay where it's safe and comfortable, Master."  
  
"Well, I can't say I disagree with that mindset," Jinako argued, "but I'm sure your circumstances are different, and maybe we'd both be better off if you just went and--"  
  
"If I'm taking an active part in this Holy Grail War," Osakabe-hime gloomily stated, "my Master will most likely be dragged into its affairs as well."  
  
Jinako made a face at this, then simply reached for another bag of chips and changed the TV to the program her Servant had wanted to watch. "Like hell."  
  
"I am glad we can agree, then," Watcher nodded, and once again a warm, stagnant peace returned to the shut-in apartment.

* * *

 

 **Magical Girl.**  
  
One of the girls who had just appeared to Kane, the one with brown hair and a long white dress, smiled cutely as she bowed. "How do you do? We're Servant Magical Girl [x2]! We ask of you, are you our Master?"  
  
Himuro Kane adjusted her large round glasses, dispassionately looking back and forth between this girl and the small blonde in the long cape and a black outfit that was definitely too skimpy and too tight for her age. Finally, the high school student simply said, without a real tone to her voice, "From the context of this situation, I suppose I would have to be, right?" even when she was not actually sure about anything at all, at least not anymore.

* * *

Kiritsugu stared on, bewildered. "Iri," he said, his throat suddenly dry. "Now you've gone too far!"  
  
Irisviel quietly put down the Nanoha manga she had been reading for inspiration. "Oh, I realize I did go far from the usual range of universes I am allowed insight into, but this summon still did happen already in another timeline, you know? It's a bit of a stretch, but technically, Magical Girl is also a class with one previous instance--"  
  
"That's not what I mean, Iri! Just look at them! And they don't have the same excuse as Illya either!"  
  
"Heroic Spirits are ageless and timeless, Kiritsugu," she reminded him. "Well, I suppose maybe I should have summoned them from the StrikerS era, the goal is having grandchildren after all, but this way, won't they make just perfect playmates for  _all_  generations of our descendants, hmmm?"  
  
Kiritsugu sat back down and put his head in his hands. "... I'm almost afraid to ask. What's a StrikerS?" he said at last.

* * *

 

 **Gatekeeper.**  
  
A white lion's head appears on the screen, attached to the thick, muscular neck and broad shoulders of a man clad in blue, red and white spandex. This creature then roars, and under it appear, written on golden letters, the bold words  _In Glorious Nasuvision_.

* * *

  
"I am," said the woman as she rose from the glowing circle, tossing her long pinkish hair back in a seductive way that greatly fascinated her summoner, "Servant Gatekeeper. Through my achievements, I have brought a new era, thus guarding the gates on a new stage of human culture. I am a witness of mankind's greatest achievement, the crystallization of their wildest dreams materialized through my genius. But enough of that, let's go to the most important question already..."  
  
The nun's heart went  _Ba-Bump! Ba-Bump!_  as she stared adoringly at this magnificent figure, creamy bare skin accentuated by the striking hot pink of the skintight unitard she was wearing, more akin to fine lingerie than anything else. Her tall boots with sharp heels added to her domineering presence, and the bunny ears on top of her head, far from making her look ridiculous, only contributed to her sensual appeal.  
  
"Yes," Sessyouin Kiara moaned huskily, already thrilled for the kind of experiences this wonderful vision would bring upon her. "Yes, I am your Master. Let us embark together, then, in--"  
  
The Servant giggled, wagging a finger and smiling widely at Kiara, her eyes still firmly closed. "No, no, no, I don't mean that! I don't have Masters, I only answer to Producers. What I meant to ask is... would you be interested on helping me film an adult movie?"  
  
The woman who had called this being upon the world breathed oh so deeply, bringing both hands to her own chest and bowing to her reverently. "If you wish it so, all the world will be our stage, and all men and women our actors and actresses."  
  
The Servant giggled again, quite derangedly. "Ohhh, that'd be nice! I work better with a big budget. Well, then let us go, Producer! There is so much to do! We will start with drafting a script; you look like an ingenious woman, so I'm sure we'll have brainstormed something magnificent before long..."  
  
And so they did.

* * *

 

 _**Gatekeeper and Kiara Make a Porno.** _  
  
Coming this Winter.

* * *

 

 **Einzbern Consultation Room!**  
  
"Okay," Kiritsugu said, "I really don't see the need to act like this every time I just want to ask a few questions..."  
  
"Ahhhh, but your legs look so fine in shorts!" Irisviel smiled at him.  
  
"... I guess I should be thankful I wasn't put into P.E. bloomers," he allowed. "Okay, Sensei, please let's go with today's questions."  
  
"Gladly!"  
  
"First of all, I'd like to know, are you really sure Hassan of Serenity could deliver babies? I mean, she's naturally toxic to anyone, so who's to say she won't be poisonous to the fetus inside of her as well?"  
  
"Well," she said, "her child would inherit her genetic makeup  _and_  that of the male who has lovingly impregnated her, whom will obviously be completely immune to her toxins by that point. While it is true they both gained their immunity later in life rather than from birth, the fact it was magic insinuating itself into their bodies has changed their DNA enough so their children will inherit the parents' combined resistence to their loving mother's poisons."  
  
"Okay, that's good to know, I suppose... I just hope they take it from Shirou on the topic of  _not_  being poisonous to others themselves. My next question is perhaps even more important than this, though... You know, Servants will never grow older, but Shirou and the other Masters will, don't you think that will bring them some grief later on? Also, I'm kind of worried about the lifespan a half-Servant, half-human child would have. This hasn't ever been done before, what if..."  
  
She gently placed a hand on his cheek and smiled, rubbing his face. "Oh, Kiritsugu! If someone should know about the value of loving for the sake of love itself, despite ages and despite the time we'll spend together or not, that should be you!"  
  
"Yes, but... we were fortunate in the end, after all. In Shirou's case, there are so many variants I can't help but wonder..."  
  
"It'll be fine! He has several of mankind's best at his side and us looking for him from here, with that kind of support he will able to push forward through anything!"  
  
"Yes, I can tell your plan is mostly about pushing through no matter what... Okay, last question of the day. What are they supposed to do when people around them notice Illya's not growing up despite having children who no doubt will look just like them running around? Will they have to constantly move around from one site to another? That's no way to live when you have several children with you, Iri."  
  
"Well. the solution to that is rather simple. Illya's daughter will most likely have patterns of growth matching mine--"  
  
"How can you be so sure about--"  
  
"--- because I am, so once she's grown enough, she will pose as her mother while her mother poses as her! That will take care of everything before the public!"  
  
"..." Kiritsugu said.  
  
Irisviel smiled, very proud of her attention to details.  
  
Kiritsugu let his head droop. "All right, I officially cannot ask any questions anymore."  
  
"Until next time, then! Einzben Consultation Room, always here to answer your doubts!" she winked.  
  
"I'm actually left with more questions than when we started, it's just I can't ask them at all..."

* * *

 

 **Hidden Depths Best Left Very Deep.**  
  
Shirou blinked as he passed by Temptress' room, stopping to look at the Servant, working on some sort of complicated machinery, and oddly wearing overalls and a shirt with the sleeves rolled all the way up.  
  
"Wow, Liz-chan!" he said. "I had no idea you were into mechanics!"  
  
"Well, you know, Piggy," she shrugged with a smile, never stopping her tinkering, "one gets used to customizing artifacts after a few years designing instruments of torture and death, that's just plain logical!"  
  
Shirou winced at this casual but not completely unexpected twist of the conversation, and rasped uneasily. "So... what is this one supposed to do?"  
  
"Oh, it's Magus Aegis Elizabeth Channel Mark One, but I'm thinking of calling it 'Mecha Eli-chan' for short. It's a combat and defense unit mostly meant to act as my bouncer and bodyguard for tours and concerts, but in case of need, it also may act as my enforcer even from beyond the grave, raining all manners of unholy and fiery death from above, destroying my enemies with untold savagery and precise, brutal efficiency, massacring them by scores. She'll be a veritable, unstoppable engine of cruel devastation and onslaught that--- that--"  
  
She flung her head aside to look up at Shirou, hungrily. "Damn, I just made myself hot and bothered. Sex, now."  
  
Shirou cringed, looking at the unfinished Mecha Eli-chan's eyes slowly, creepily turning back and forth between him and Temptress. "B-But... Will she be  _looking?!_ "  
  
"That," Bathory said, grabbing him by the shirt, roughly pulling him in, and slamming the bedroom's door closed with her tail, "only makes it even hotter!"

* * *

Join us again next week, when Shirou learns on Avenger's secret love for fine arts and gets drafted into the making of the perfect lifelike sculpture, hopefully not involving casting a live model inside of hardening cement...

* * *

 

 **Through her Stomach.**  
  
"More!" Caster beamed a huge bright smile, placing the next plate of pancakes before Saber.  
  
"Thank you very much," Saber said, and began digging in again.  
  
Caster took a moment to behold the scene, placing a hand on her cheek adorably, and then giggled as she rushed back for the kitchen.  
  
Sitting at the other end of the room, Luvia and Archer stared at the tall pile of now empty plates by Saber's side before the latter asked the former, "When did this attraction of hers start, then? It's beginning to get kind of creepy..."  
  
Luvia sighed. "You don't even know half of it. You haven't even seen her  _homemade figurine collection_ ...!"  
  
Saber briefly looked up from her meal to glance at them even as Caster brought more pancakes in.  _"Hmmm?"_  
  
"I said nothing!" Luvia quickly feigned innocence.  
  
"By the way, Saber," Caster eagerly said, "I've also sewn a new dress for you, maybe you'd like trying it on after dinner...?"

* * *

 

 **Pros and Cons.**  
  
Kiritsugu, while casually looking for his  _Guns & Ammo Magazine_  annuals, found a small pink notebook with the image of a white, furry quadrupedal creature on the cover. At first he was just going to set it aside, but when he caught on a small piece of paper sticking out marking a page, and reading  _Shirou_ , he immediately sat down on the bed and flipped it open on that very page.  
  
_Forgive me, Iri, but if it's about the boy, then I've got to know..._  he thought before starting reading his wife's notes. It was a long, long list of names of Heroic Spirits, a few already marked with small smiley faces, like those of Saint Martha, Sir Galahad and Francis Drake. He didn't linger long on those, since what was done already couldn't be undone, and instead focused on the rest of them, which included...  
  
**Astolfo.**  
  
Pros: Very cute, affectionate, good hearted, loyal, funny. Riding a Hypogriffin would be so cool!  
  
Cons: Can't get pregnant, even the Grail has limits when it comes to altering Saint Graphs.  
  
**Merlin.**  
  
Pros: At least one version is female. Could make Astolfo able to bear children.  
  
Cons: Would drive Artoria-chan crazy. Would drive everyone crazy. Shirou might spend more time receiving penetrations than giving them.  
  
**Altera.**  
  
Pros: Very beautiful. Noto Mamiko voice. Good to have around in the event of alien invasions.  
  
Cons: I'm not sure we need another technophobe in the house. Wears clown shoes.  
  
**Francesca Prelati.**  
  
Pros: Cute. Can be summoned as a Caster.  
  
Cons. THE IDEA IS TO KEEP SHIROU AND EVERYONE ELSE ALIVE.  
  
**Penthesilea.**  
  
Pros: Fiercely protective of those who earn her trust. Very strong. Not that difficult to tame, actually. Is Wonder Woman's aunt, how cool is that?  
  
Cons: Everyone will call her cute either out of honesty or to tease her. There won't be a house left by the end of the first week.  
  
**Scheherezade.**  
  
Pros: Used to being in a harem. Fabulous storyteller for the children. Will push for any non-violent solution whenever available. Breasts.  
  
Cons: I can't deny it, she  _**is** _  kind of annoying...  
  
**Abigail Williams.**  
  
Pros: Isn't she the non-Illya most adorable thing in the world..?!  
  
Cons: Great Old Ones will be knocking on the door by Day Two.  
  
**Belldandy.**  
  
Pros: A Divine Spirit, but she has taken a human form and technically might be summoned as Saver...  
  
She is Belldandy.  
  
Cons: We are not doing crossovers no matter what, too much of a hassle with the other dimensions' Roots.  
  
**X-San.**  
  
Pros: Athletic, driven, very beautiful, strong, certainly... intense...  
  
Cons: I'm still not convinced she's not Artoria-chan, as she claims. I'd rather not have repeats...  
  
**Nightingale.**  
  
Pros: Physical health is very important!  
  
Cons: Mental health is also very important!  
  
**Semiramis.**  
  
Pros: Has a thing for handsome young men named Shirou. Chocolate is always a good thing!  
  
Cons: Has a thing for sinister priests named Kotomine. We really don't need another person who poisons in the house, at least Serenity doesn't mean to.  
  
Kiritsugu closed the notebook, sighed, and returned it to its place. "Well, Iri, it's good to see you're still thinking these things out before carrying them out... to some degree, at least..."  
  
He paused, then rubbed his chin while pondering, "I wonder, does she get all that info from her connection to the Throne, or...?"

* * *

Irisviel smiled saintly at the woman sitting before the desk she had in a small office at the end of... her place. "Okay, you can start by telling me your name, your favorite Class, and what are you looking for in a man..."  
  
Jing Ke blinked. "What? This is some kinda marriage agency? I was told one came here to get assassination jobs, and that you gave booze out...!"

* * *

 

 **First Grandchild.**  
  
"Husband!" Caster smiled up at Shirou, grabbing the even smaller Servant by the shoulders and putting her between them. "This is our first child!"  
  
Shirou blinked. "Um... Caster? This is a Servant you have somehow just summoned yourself, isn't she?"  
  
Caster looked down awkwardly. "W-Well, the other way takes a lot of time, and I was afraid some of the others might get an edge on me, and, and, and... I grew so nervous I decided to go for a quick solution! You aren't mad at me, are you, Master?!"  
  
Shirou sighed deeply, shaking his head. "No, of course I'm not, Caster, but you should think these things better... Nice to meet you anyway. So, what is your class?" he softly asked the tiny, childlike Heroic Spirit. "And what is your real name, if you feel safe sharing it?"  
  
The little girl looked blandly at him. "We are Assassin. Are you our Mum? Mum told us she'd take us to meet another Mum who would love us, a Mum named Dad..."  
  
Shirou looked with concern at Caster. "Assassin? Don't we already--"  
  
She blushed and looked aside, nervously twiddling her hands together behind her back. "It, it's okay! I could manage an extra summon, so think of her as False Assassin! And I didn't even need to have her bursting out of Miss Serenity's chest!"  
  
"That... was oddly specific, but I'm glad you didn't-- Wait, you just said you didn't  _need_  for it, not that you  _didn't_ \--"  
  
Caster gave him a somewhat wounded look. "I didn't do it, naturally, Master!"  
  
It was Shirou's turn to blush. "Ah, of course you wouldn't, sorry, Caster. It's just..." Smiling sadly, he placed a hand on Assassin's head and tried not to flinch at the sight of the huge knives, several of them rusty with dried blood, hanging around her hips. "Oh, that doesn't matter. Welcome to the family, Assassin-chan. Although, Caster..."  
  
"Yes, husband?"  
  
"We really need to get her some pants, for God's sake!"

* * *

  
Irisviel looked at the quietly exasperated Kiritsugu. "Don't blame me! This time, the idea was all hers!"

* * *

 

 **Heir to the Throne.**  
  
"So..." Jack looked up at Artoria, rather blandly, "... you are another Mother."  
  
"Well, I--" the troubled Saber paused, pondered her predicament for a moment, and ended up sighing wearily. "Assassin. I won't make the same mistakes I made with my other child with you. I will not reject you without an explanation even if my intentions should be obvious, I will not put you in a boat and then sink it, I will actually try and being a worthy Father to you!" she promised, tightening a fist and holding it high. "This I swear on my honor...!"  
  
"Mother, not Father," Assassin corrected her.  
  
"Same difference!" Saber said, firmly placing her hands on her shoulders. "Hereby I recognize you officially... as the Prince of Britain!"  
  
"... okay."  
  
There was a long, long moment of silence between them then.  
  
"Is that a good thing?" Assassin finally asked.

* * *

 

 **The Guys.**  
  
Fridays were poker nights for the guys. Kiritsugu loved Irisviel's company more than anything else, but even a man used to work alone often for long periods of time would eventually be driven insane by long spans of time isolated from the rest of the world, except for an one-way window into the living world.  
  
So Irisviel was a dearie and would bring a few guys he could get along long enough every Friday, for a few card games and random discussion. At times, the Grails of other worlds would summon the Servants for Wars elsewhere, and they'd return with semi-interesting stories of fighting along or against Lancelot, or Diarmuid, or another Kiritsugu with tanned skin, or even, in worlds that were screwed up enough, Deadpool or Darkwing Duck or Snape from Harry Potter. That hadn't happened this week, however, so there was nothing to distract the guys from asking--  
  
"So what have you been doing of late, Kiritsugu?" Robin Hood asked, puffing a cigarette while Blackbeard dealt the cards. Saber kept a sharp glare on the pirate at all times, eyes glinting threateningly through the helmet's visor.  
  
Kiritsugu shrugged, looking at his hand. It was a bad one. Damn, he didn't even really like poker after all. "Oh, you know. Same as ever. It's not like there's much to do here..."  
  
"Seriously?" Blackbeard hummed, messily slapping his lips together in a slow, pensive way while examining his own hand. "Your wife mentioned something about setting your kid on dates while bringing us here..."  
  
Kiritsugu kept his best professional face. "Well... yes, she has. The boy's involving himself into a War of his own, and Iri tries to be a good Grail, so we're attempting to defuse this without any--"  
  
"How many?" calmly asked the final member of the clique, Karna, who could never be fooled easily.  
  
"Oh... a few, I haven't been keeping count myself, that's more of Iri's thing..." Kiritsugu replied uneasily. Karna was not fooled, but he also was too nice a guy to call him out on that.  
  
"And they are...?" Saber asked with a hint of dangerous suspicion from within the helmet, and Kiritsugu had to try a bit harder to keep his indifferent facade on.  
  
"Well, there's Minamoto no Raikou, there's Galahad, there's Medusa, there's a Hassan girl, there's Saint Martha... I don't see how that one's going to work, but..."  
  
"Galahad! Oh, the goody goody two shoes, that's a rich one! Hm, I mean, I see..." Saber said, thankfully unwilling to further pursue such a girlish topic, as Kiritsugu knew that would happen if he just trailed off. Karna, again, caught on, glancing quietly at Emiya and then at the Saber he had opposed during the Transylvanian War, but once again remaining out of the way without a word, only a silent nod to himself Saber didn't catch onto.  
  
"You haven't set him up with the fox, have you?" Robin Hood asked, genuinely concerned. "You can't do that to the poor lad! Nobody deserves that!" he argued, unknowingly taking a hand to his crotch as if to shield it instinctively.  
  
Kiritsugu shook his head with a faint smile. "No, nothing of that... Not yet, and I hope never, actually..."  
  
Blackbeard smiled lecherously. "And... how many of them has the kid already bedded?"  
  
Kiritsugu frowned. "Is that any business of yours?"  
  
Saber chuckled. "What? Isn't he man enough to have touched any of them yet?"  
  
"A man is not measured for the quantity of--" Karna sagely said, laying an unbeatable hand down on the table, but Blackbeard predictably interrupted him.  
  
"What do you mean with that, of course it is!" He then made gestures with both hands towards his own chest, as if to squeeze on large imaginary breasts. "What kind of man doesn't get booty?! Right, Mordred?!"  
  
"Um, yeah, that's right!" Saber said.  
  
"I bet you get tons of babes when you take that armor off, Ladykiller!" Blackbeard chuckled, punching the Saber in an arm.  
  
"Ah... Ah ha ha ha, you bet I do!" Saber stiffly laughed, armored chest puffing up in pride. Emiya thought he could see, for the first time, a vague hint of struggle within Karna to not roll his eyes back as much as Robin Hood was doing.  
  
"Which ones, then?!" the Rider turned back on Emiya, with a savage grin from ear to ear.  
  
Kiritsugu actually winced. "Like hell I'm telling--"  
  
Irisviel's voice sing-sang from the kitchen. "His neighbor Sakura-chan, Medusa-chan, Illya-chan, Raikou-chan, and Artoria-chan!"  
  
Saber spat from the glass she had been sipping from all over the table (and Blackbeard and Robin.) She quickly took the helmet off, turned her head towards the kitchen's door, and roared viciously, _**"FATHER?!-?!-?!"** _  
  
Blackbeard's eyes shrank down to the size of dots.  
  
Irisviel peeked out of the kitchen, stared curiously at Mordred's face, and then her eyes lit up like Las Vegas publicity. "Ooooohhhh! You are _a GIRL_ !"  
  
_**"WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU JUST SAID?!"** _  
  
Blackbeard was still shaken enough over the news on Drake by the next time he was summoned, he was promptly killed by Servant Fluttershy a day into that particular Grail War...

* * *

 

 **Help is on the Way.**  
  
_"Heeeeelp meeeee..."_  
  
Nobunaga perked up, listening to the faint, distressed moan from further into the house. Reluctantly setting her  _Modern Warfare Monthly_  aside, she got up from the couch where she'd been bumming up and moved on, following the voice.  
  
_"Heeeeelp meeeee, pleaseeeeee..."_  
  
She quickly noticed the moans and groans came from a room at the end of the right wing. She had no idea whom it belonged yet, having moved in too recently. Fearless as ever, she pulled the room's door open, and saw Miyu being forced into a maid outfit-- or perhaps out of it-- by an overly eager trio of Caster, Luviagelita, and Illya. The latter seemed especially agitated and eager, panting to herself with flushing cheeks, as if some sort of switch best left untouched had been flipped inside of her.  
  
_"Heeeeelp meeeee--_  Oh, it's you," Miyu blandly finished her formerly passionate begging, looking into Gunner's expressionless face.  
  
"Well," the Demon King bluntly said, "if you're going to be part of the domestic service from now on, bring me two bags of chips and a Coke bottle as soon as you're done there. We're all out of them now."  
  
She closed the door back and walked away, back for the living room, indifferently.  
  
The voice came out of the room again.  
  
_"Heeeeelp meeeee..."_

* * *

 

 **My Real Reasons.**  
  
"Thank you very much, Rider!" Raikou smiled, as Medusa helped her wash the breakfast dishes.  
  
Rider only nodded. "I'm glad to help..."

* * *

  
"You're so kind to come with me, Rider!" Raikou smiled, as the two of them walked back home, Medusa carrying all the bags from the supermarket.  
  
"Think nothing of it," Rider quietly said, trying to stay as close as possible. "I don't mind..."

* * *

  
"Well done, Rider!" Raikou smiled as they worked shoulder to shoulder to battle the attacking army of skeletons and quickly destroying them, because this is part of everyday life too when you put several Servants and Masters under the same roof. "We make a good team, don't we?!"  
  
"Yes..." Medusa nodded distantly, wrapping her chains around a skeleton's neck and snapping it. "I like being close to you in these situations, Berserker..."

* * *

  
Illya pouted jealously, watching Rider walk right behind Raikou again. "Mooouuuu... Rider's sure taken a liking to Berserker of late, hasn't she?"  
  
"Well," Sakura calmly explained, "there is some sense of relief Rider can find from her company, that she can't get from any of us..."  
  
Illya blinked. "Eh? What's that even supposed to mean?!"

* * *

  
_Rider (Medusa): Height- 172 cm._  
  
_Berserker (Minamoto no Raikou): Height- 175 cm._

* * *

  **Report.**  
  
"Hello," Caren flatly said, as she reached the site of the rendezvous, her contact already standing there for her.  
  
"You're late," her contact said just as emotionless, her large round glasses briefly glinting under the moonlight in a way that obscured her eyes.  
  
"I was busy," was all Caren said. "Here's my report."  
  
The contact nodded, opened the envelope, pulled one of the sheets inside out, and read on it. After a moment, she pushed it back into the envelope. "I don't get it. Why will you be staying, if the matter has been dealt with?"  
  
"I have my reasons, which are made clear in the rest of the report."  
  
"Yes, I have no doubt, but..." the contact sighed, pushing the glasses up her nose, "The higher ups won't be glad about this, and you know that."  
  
"If they want to, they may discuss it with us and our current housemates," Caren quietly said, as the figure of Shielder materialized behind her. To her credit, the blue haired woman did not even flinch at the apparition. She had seen far worse. "But we aren't leaving Fuyuki for the foreseeable future."  
  
"Right, then..." the blue haired woman nodded, then hummed, "Housemates, you say...?"  
  
"Indeed. Anything a problem?"  
  
"No, no, not with me, that's your own life, and whatever comes next is between you and the higher ups," the contact shook her head. "But, you might have a problem of your own if any of them happens to be--"  
  
"Rest easy. Unlike you, we won't be having to share him with a True Ancestor, Ciel."  
  
"Well, you always were fortunate in your own way..."

* * *

  **Death Not Be Proud...**  
  
"Beans?" Ayako said, looking down at the plate Shirou had served her.  
  
"Beans!" Shirou confirmed with a firm nod, moving on to set the next plate for Artoria, who began wolfing down immediately. "They are part of any truly balanced diet, and-- Saber, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but couldn't you just wait until we bless the meal?"  
  
Saber sighed, pulled the invisible blade out, and passed it over her plate of beans and chopped meat twice. "In the name of the Church colluded with the Kingdom, I bless this dinner, amen." Then she put the weapon back down and began scarfing again.  
  
Shirou shook his head and gave Assassin her plate. "Here you go, Serenity. I hope you find it of your liking."  
  
Assassin nodded. "Thank you, Shirou. I'm sure I-- ahhhh?!" she said as Illya pulled the plate away from her.  
  
"Nooooooo!!" Illya protested. "No, I just can't allow this, not at all! No!"  
  
"Illya-chan?!" Shirou was bewildered. "What in the world's gotten into you?!"  
  
"Oniichan!" Illya pointed at Assassin. "You just can't give beans to her! There are thousands of ways to die! As a Master, I've prepared myself for many, all of them unpleasant! But a death I definitely don't want to ever experience...  is to be poisoned by someone else's farts!!"  
  
A shocked silence of realization fell all over the table, only broken by Berserker's calm chiding. "Illya-chan. Language, please..."  
  
"Ohhhhh... Oh, no, no, it doesn't work like that!" Assassin said. Then she seemed to reconsider, took a hand to her mouth, and added pensively, "I think..."  
  
"You think?!" Rin cried out.  
  
"Well," Serenity explained, "it's not like I could ever do that in the presence of those I targeted. The idea was to present myself as polite and pleasant company to them the whole time, but come to think about it... there was this time where I was in the target's bathroom, and by the time I went back to the dining room, he was already dead, even though I hadn't touched him yet... So I have to wonder..."  
  
Everyone around the table seemed to gain a sudden degree or two or three of quiet concern.  
  
"I believe there's some salad left from the lunch?" Assassin ended up requesting softly.  
  
Shirou gave a stiff nod. "Y-Yeah, I think I'll go refreshen that right now..."

* * *

 

 **So Far, Yet So Closed.**  
  
Temptress grumbled to herself, looking through the old things left in Kiritsugu's long closed bedroom, curiously rummaging into what she had roughly pulled out of the closet, and frowning at the results, occassionally looking closely at something held in her hand, just to toss it over her shoulder just as quickly.  
  
"Maaaaaa!" she groaned to herself, throwing a book on Learning German carelessly. "You'd think someone called 'Magus Killer' would have left a more interesting legacy behind...!"  
  
Then she heard the book hitting the door and closing it, and she snapped her head back, wide-eyed. Immediately, she rushed over to it, only to find it wouldn't open. Somehow, the old rusty thing, untouched for months, had locked itself down!  
  
No, it had locked HER down!  
  
"Waaaaaahhhhh!" Liz wailed, beginning to struggle madly with the door. "Open, open, open, open, you demon...!"  
  
When it still wouldn't open, she began banging her fists on it. "Someone...! Anyone...! Help, I've locked myself up...!"  
  
There was nobody else in the house at the time, of course, which was why Liz had snuck to meddle into Kiritsugu's things in the first place.  
  
She dragged her long, sharp nails all down the wooden frame. "Please...! I'm dying here...!"  
  
Trapped in a small, dark, SQUEEZING room with no windows, Temptress panicked, running all around wildly, tail lashing out in all directions.  
  
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, pleaseplease I can't breatheeeeeee!"  
  
Then she collapsed on her face onto the floor and began bawling...

* * *

  
"-- so I told him, 'And that's why you have a monkey's face!' and he took it badly, can you believe it?!" Nobunaga asked as she and Shirou returned home from the market, one hour later. "He of all people shouldn't have been so touchy about it!"  
  
"Mm-hmmm," Shirou absently agreed, setting the bags by the door. "Hey, Liz-chan, we're home...!"  
  
The house was eerily silent in response, save for a few soft sobs coming from the back.  
  
"Damn, I bet you she's kidnapped some classmate of Tohsaka and is skewering her in the tub," Gunner casually commented.  
  
"Nobu-san!" Shirou gasped, scandalized. "She'd never--!" Then, after pausing thoughtfully, he ran towards the source of the pitiful noises. Quickly enough, he was pulling the door of Kiritsugu's room open, and found a tight, balled up bundle on the carpet, hugging her legs tightly against her body and whimpering to herself. "Um... are you okay, Liz-chan...?"  
  
The bundle stopped shaking, opened a reddened, swollen eye without blinking for the longest of moments, and then leapt up to tightly hug Shirou.  **"MY HERO!"**  
  
Oda scratched herself on a cheek while Shirou gasped in the crushing grip of Temptress' hug. "Hmm, so... did you lock yourself up somehow? You idiot, you're a Heroic Spirit, you could've just gone astral and slipped out, or, you know, knocked the door down..."  
  
Unheeding and completely oblivious to her presence, Temptress just kept on nuzzling her face against Shirou's chest and embracing him.  
  
"Maybe we should just put cat doors for you on every freaking door," Gunner snorted.

* * *

  **Cars.**  
  
"Just arrived today from the best mechanics in Japan! A wonder of modern design!" Illya thriumphally pulled the covers off her newest custom made vehicle. "Ta-daaaa! Behold... the Berser-Car!"  
  
"Aaaahhh, I'm so very flattered, Illya-chan...!" Berserker said sweetly, placing a hand on her own cheek as the rest of the household just stared in bafflement at the vehicle patterned after her appearance.  
  
"It has very prominent... headlights," Fiore finally said, weakly pointing towards the front of the armored car.  
  
Illya nodded. "They also double as shooting cannons!"  
  
Temptress frowned at Shirou. "Mecha-Eli-chan doesn't look like such a bad idea __**now,** _  _does she?!" she growled at him.

* * *

  **Cars 2.**  
  
"I just can't see the need for Illya to have such an outlandish vehicle at her avail," Saber insisted. "Not only it will greatly call attention upon her, but she's bound to drive it even more recklessly than those she already has."  
  
"Would you rather have her drive her former Berser-Car all day long anymore?" Shirou asked.  
_  
_

* * *

_  
_ Saber shrunk back against the wall as she saw Berserker run down the hallway, with a giddy Illyasviel sitting on her shoulders. "Go, Berser-Car! Go! Blast everything in our way...!" _  
  
"Vroom! _**Vroooooom!** _ " _Berserker shouted, really getting into the mood by now...  
_  
_

* * *

_  
_ Saber looked aside and huffed. "She really should go for motorcycles instead. Much more practical and less bothersome..."

* * *

  **Cars 3.**  
  
"Seeing Illya-chan taking a renewed interest on motor vehicles has rekindled mine, too!" Irisviel proudly said, showing off the huge, outrageously dangerous looking wicked car with a lot of sharp edges she had just acquired. "Look, look, Kiritsugu, this is the finest machinery on wheels I could commission to any Servant!"  
  
"... oh, no," Kiritsugu weakly said. "Who is responsible for this monstr-- this thing? Da Vinci? Please tell me at least it's Da Vinci, most of his inventions tended to work out as long as they weren't intended to fly..."  
  
"Don't be silly, dear," she said, forcefully pulling her into the car with her, "why would I waste her vast talents on a car? I commissioned a twelve wheeled tank to her instead, and for this car, I resorted to someone just as talented but less... ambitious when it comes to vehicles..."  
  
"Yes, well," Archimedes apathetically said as he walked out of the shadows of the garage. "I usually prefer working on death rays and the like, but this seemed like a good alternate way to spend a weekend..."  
  
The fearless Magus Killer paled and mouthed a faint, "... son of a..." before Iri giggled, stepped on the accelerator, and speeded off into the lands of the Graildom.  
  
The Irimobile ran Cu Chulainn down on her maiden ride. He died.

* * *

  **To be Continued????**

I'm not sure yet, so let's leave it as Finished for the time being, okay?

 

* * *

* * *

 


End file.
